“ I have found the fullness of joy in my Carmelite vocation” (Mother Luisita)
By: Sister Shawn Pauline of Carmel, OCD
This sums up my feelings toward my vocation now, but while growing up in the midst of normal Americana, I found myself running far away from the idea of total surrender to Jesus Christ. I grew up in northern New York nestled in the heart of the Adirondack Mountains. There I lived with a very loving family who introduced me to God’s love early on in life, and I also had the privilege of attending Catholic School through the eighth grade. It was during this time that I seemed afraid of the idea of “being a nun” not because the sisters who taught me were mean or unhappy, quite the contrary. It was simply because I didn’t know what religious life was and because somewhere in the back of my mind I was feeling forced to become a religious.
It was through the Gospel that I heard the call to religious life. Jesus’ words echoed in my soul, “ Come follow me”. I knew I had a vocation, but I was still very afraid. Looking back I know that growing up during the pontificate of John Paul II had a significant impact on me. His cry to “be not afraid” was the only voice that truly guided me in a very secular discouraging world.
During my high school years I made everyone very aware that even though I had a deep love of my faith I was not about to become a sister. Yet secretly during retreats or other religious events, I would often breakdown to a confessor and tell him about this interior struggle. Priests would often say, “your too young, don’t worry about it”, or, “ just keep praying; God will lead you.” And He did.
Attending a camp on Saranac Lake (Camp Guggenheim) was one of the ways God lead me to Himself. I would sit alone by the lake and sense His presence, or wander off into the woods contemplating His creation. I knew that He loved me, but I was still wrestling inside with the idea of being a sister. Another way that I grew in relationship with God was through the scriptures. A wise mentor told me that at the very minimum one should spend 15 min in prayer a day. So I decided to take her advice and I began to read the bible each night before going to sleep. This had a tremendous impact on me, and I fell in love with the word of God. Little did I know that soon I would fall deeply in love with the Word who became flesh.
As high school came to its blessed end, I decided to go to a very Catholic traditional college, the Franciscan University of Steubenville. There I found souls who truly lived the fullness of life that Christ promised. After my first semester I began to attend daily Mass and to spend time in Eucharistic Adoration. I learned about the Church, fell in love with the Holy Father, and made my consecration to Mary giving her my whole life. The most important thing that happened in that year was my encounter with the Carmelite Sisters of the Most Sacred Heart of Los Angeles. One of their sisters gave a talk in my dorm. I don’t remember much of what she said, but I was fixated on her. She radiated joy, she was free, she was herself, she was beautifully clothed with the Carmelite habit, and most of all she was the spouse of Jesus. I had never met a sister like this before, and I knew that she was what I wanted to be someday, but not yet…
During that summer I read Story of a Soul, the autobiography of St. Therese. Immediately I felt a bond and deep kinship with this Carmelite and in my heart decided that I would be an apostle of the “little way”. Carmel means a “secret or enclosed garden” and while I was on my knees weeding the gardens of my mother’s flower shop and realized I was truly a Carmelite at heart. By the grace of God I was slowly discovering myself.
In the fall of 1999, I spent a semester traveling in Europe and during that time God gave me a spiritual director to guide me. Soon this saintly priest helped me to see that God was not forcing me into the religious life. He said to me, “ Do you honestly think that God would make you do something that you don’t want to do?” (Obviously I had a warped misconception of our merciful and loving Father in Heaven.) He continued, “ All you need to do is ‘commit your ways to the Lord, and he will grant you the desires of your heart’ (Ps. 37).” With much peace I concluded that I could now relax, keep praying and find a nice ‘holy husband’ like everyone else at Steubenville. However, as I began to ‘commit my ways to the Lord’ I found out that the true desires of my heart were different. In those few months I went to Rome, saw the Pope, traveled to see incorrupt bodies, and began to fall deeply in love with the Catholic Church and Jesus Christ its head. Through much prayer I began to see that Jesus would be a perfect spouse and that he alone wanted all of my heart. By the end of the semester I had pulled a 180’ towards the direction of religious life.
The next year was the great jubilee of 2000, and it that year of grace I found my vocation. I distinctly remember going to prayer one evening and reading the entire book of the Song of Songs. One quote mesmerized me, “ Your head crowns you like Carmel, and your flowing locks are like purple; a king is held captive in your tresses. (7:5)” It was becoming clearer that Jesus was madly in love with me and wanted me to be his bride.
Despite these blessed moments of prayer I still felt myself longing to be a mother and a wife. That summer I had the chance to live with a beautiful holy family who had six children. I had a great taste of what family life would be, and yet I sensed that this just wasn’t what God had planned for me. One night I was feeding little Sophia, the six-month-old baby. As she gazed into my eyes, I spoke to our Lord, “If you want me to, I could give this up for you…” I knew that I was called to be a mother of souls and was comforted by the psalm that reads, “ To the childless wife he gives a home, and gladdens her heart with children. (Ps113)” I knew that God would entrust countless numbers of souls into my protection and care.
The only thing that was still bothering me was the fact that I had never really dated a solid catholic man, and I figured that if I didn’t try it out that I was going to be wondering for the rest of my life, “What if?” Then I sensed God telling me, “ Then date someone,” and within the next two days a young man started to call. (The timing was uncanny; part of God’s perfect plan). It felt very strange to begin to share my heart with someone other than Jesus, and eventually I sensed a deep unrest in my soul (and in my stomach!) One day while attending Mass with this young man, I received Holy Communion. As I was making my thanksgiving I heard Jesus say, “ I am jealous of you spending time with him.” Jesus was making it very clear that I was meant for Him alone. That same day I went to prayer, and while meditating on the book of 2 Corinthians, I happened to read Chapter 11 verse 2, which reads, “ I feel a divine jealousy for you, for I have betrothed you to Christ to present you as a pure bride to her one husband.” At that very moment I decided I would never think about married life again. My discernment had ended; I was called to a singleness of heart for Jesus alone, to be His eternal bride now and forever.
The last step of discernment was finding a community that would accept me, and following the instinct of my heart I decided to look to Carmel. The Carmelite Sister who had met me in the dorm two years before came back for a visit, and when she saw me she looked deeply into my eyes and said, “ We need to have a talk.” I agreed. I shared all that had happened to me with her, and with a motherly tenderness she assured me that religious life was a “deep joy,” and encouraged me to come and visit. A few months later I was on an airplane to Los Angles.
The peace I experienced there assured me that I had found my place in this world. As a flower in the garden of Carmel I now grow and truly I can say with our dear mother foundress, “ I have found the fullness of joy in my Carmelite vocation.”
